Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
nutella sex= disaster
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
