if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
