Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
