i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
