6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
