i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
