I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
