I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
