Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
BRING THE BAGELS
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
