true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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