If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
