just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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