oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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