Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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