Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
