My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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