I'm gonna have a badass scar
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
