my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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