Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
