chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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