I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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