I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
