Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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