she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
