the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize