I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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