ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
