I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
