I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
