you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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