Sponge bath it is.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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