Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
