Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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