it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize