You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
