someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
