hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
