I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
