separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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