You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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