im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
