I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize