Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
