Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
