Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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