Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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