I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
