somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
