Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
