i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
