dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
