I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
