i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
it's great music for shaving your balls
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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