I can tuck mytits in my pants
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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