so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
