I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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