if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
