she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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