dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Randomize
