His hands were made for my vagina.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
