What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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