I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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